Monday, November 06, 2017

One Year After His Death, I am Grieving for George Michael for the First Time

I recently watched the George Michael documentary on Showtime, and I was completely moved to tears. The first time I watched it, my heart ached greatly. But the second time I watched it, my heart completely broke for him. Even now, days afterward, I can't stop myself from crying when I listen to Jesus to a Child.

I am amazed at all that I learned from it. The things I discovered about George have changed my opinion of him permanently and watching it a second time made everything that much clearer. First of all, I had no idea he was so driven and so dedicated to his craft. He was an amazing songwriter and he spent a considerable amount of time devoted to that aspect of his business.

And he had a voice like an angel. I had always enjoyed his songs, but I only knew what I heard on top 40 radio. Ironically, despite being a writer and a lyricist myself, I never took the time to understand him or his music. Now that I know what was behind many of his songs, I am a changed person.

For instance, take the song Freedom. If I saw any of the news items about George trying to get out of his Sony contract, at the time, I never paid much attention to it. Now I have seen how central it was to his life and how it was choking him to the point where he couldn't grow into the artist he wanted to be. And the song reflects that:

Heaven knows I was just a young boy ... Didn't know what I wanted to be ... I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy ... And I guess it was enough for me ... To win the race? A prettier face! ...  Brand new clothes and a big fat place On your rock and roll TV ... But today the way I play the game is not the same No way ... Think I'm gonna get me some happy ... I think there's something you should know ... I think it's time I told you so ... There's something deep inside of me ... There's someone else I've got to be ... Take back your picture in a frame ... Take back your singing in the rain ... I just hope you understand Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.

After Wham, they wanted him to continue making those same pop songs and he was saying, no that's not me anymore. I want to grow as an artist. I want to be able to explore and try new things with my music.

But the biggest revelation for me was in his personal life. I had no idea that he found his one true love -- Anselmo -- and that he lost him after just six months to AIDS, and pined for him for the rest of his life despite being in a long-term relationship years later. And then a few years later his mother -- the main rock in his life -- died. So he lost the two people who mattered to him more than anyone. And it broke him. He says in the documentary that he didn't write for almost six years. I can understand why.

But then, also, during that difficult time, he had to keep the fact that he was gay hidden -- from the public, but also from his family. So while he was grieving for his soulmate, he couldn't even grieve openly or publicly.

Then when he did finally start writing again, he wrote healing songs. He wrote Jesus to a Child for Anselmo, and later dedicated an entire album to him. But the first time I heard Jesus to a Child was in the documentary and it broke me. I cried, and I cried the next 5 times I heard it. Tears are welling up in my eyes right now just writing about it.

Kindness in your eyes ... I guess you heard me cry ... you smiled at me, like Jesus to a child. ... And what have I learned from all this pain ... I thought I'd never feel the same about anyone or anything again ... but now I know, when you find love ... when you know that it exists ... then the lover that you miss ... will come to you on those cold nights ... when you've been loved ... when you know it holds such bliss ... then the lover that you missed ... will comfort you when there's no hope in sight. 

So now I understand how he could die of natural causes at such a young age (53). Yes, he suffered from drug issues for a while, but I know that's not what killed him. He died of a broken heart. And God took pity on him because his suffering never ceased and said come my child, I will take your pain away. Come reunite with the ones you loved who left you.

And it makes me realize that while his death is painful for those of us left behind (still crying), I know it is the best thing to happen to him because he's with the two people who mattered to him more than anything, and now they can never be taken away from him again.

It hurts, but I'm a better person for it. And I will cherish his music in completely new ways now, and I will discovered songs he wrote that I never knew existed. So thank you Showtime for the gift of learning about George's life and music, and thank you George for the wonderful musical gifts you gave us.

Here's where a person would normally say, 'rest in peace'. But I don't think that suits him. To George Michael I would say have fun up there, and be happy.

If you like to read fiction, please check out my novel, In Fashion's Web on Amazon.